Why did you change this from OAQ to SAQ? Oh wait. THAT’S NOT FUNNY Yes it is. Sack. LOL. Like ball sack. Get it??? HILARIOUS
Are you on drugs? Shit no. I’m one of three people in the entire state of Oregon who isn’t married to a bong. Some say there’s other types of drugs, but I think they only work if you’re on a TV show. Save your cash for Cheeto dust cut with dick jokes.
Do you ever sleep? Does the sun rise in the east? Do salmon swim upstream for boning down with each other? Do my silken flame-colored tresses and statuesque silhouette blind you from all sense of duty? Of course Shit yeah.
Do you think you are black? Depends on what kind of ‘black’ you are talking about. Black like evil, then no. Black like large penis, then yes. This thing is like a monster truck radioactive-zapped by math tycoons from space. It’s very big and green. You can basically feel the throbbing from here to Uranus, and I’m not sorry about this joke.
How come you don’t follow me back on ____? Do you exist? The answer is unknowable, but go ahead and Ask Jeeves. He won’t judge you. Not like I do. The truth is, I hardly have time to click on stuff after running a background check on each of my followers. It’s not easy being everything to you while you are nothing to me. Now get out there and be something! Hurry.
I saw you at ____, why didn’t I approach you to say “hello”? You were being shy or weird. Don’t. I’m a really nice person once you get to fuck me. Just kidding, you can’t afford me. Not with that kind of attitude.
I’d like to argue with you on the Internet, but you’re ruining it by acting like a reasonable person. How can I win? You’re douchebagging up the wrong tree. I’m from the Internet. Social media mischief is part of my heritage as a steward of The Lulz. I also exist IRL sometimes and my bullshit-avoidance skills are LEGENDARY in that realm. You can’t possibly be meaner than reality. Write that down.
I refuse to write that down and still want to fuck with you. What options do I have?
Renew your license to ill with some quiet time.
Decide whether you want to ignore me or be cool with me.
It works best if you’re still wearing the apron when you show up at my house with the apology casserole.
u think ur better then me? No, I am absolutely certain that I am better than you. Let’s revisit this inquiry when you can type a few more letters.
Do you just collect food stamps or what? The only thing I collect is dust. WAIT ARE YOU ASKING ME IF I’M A STRIPPER?! The answer is shit no. Look at me! Quality goods, asshole. Like $15,000 prostitute-level! OK stop looking.
What is your line of work? If I told you, I’d have to tell you. I MEAN COME ON. Don’t scroll this far down before looking up my home address.
You talk about music production a lot. What entitles you to an opinion, silly female? Fifteen years hunched over a synthesizer, twenty-five squinting at sheet music. “Dipshit” line starts to the left.
But are we gonna hook up or what? wait i mean i like ur musi blixx Absolutely. I am very turned on by men who have little to no appreciation for nuances. Chicks dig clumsy, boring sexual encounters. We’re all the same, don’t you dare address me as an individual. Oops, I meant to say shit no.
Why do you have two L’s in your name? Why do you have two shut-ups in your so-what? We’ll get to that later. Just kidding, I’m busy later. I can’t remember where the second L came from, but it wasn’t a typo. Did it look cool? Did it help people suck at typing my name more than they already do? Did it pay homage to my goblin heritage? Whatever? I try to avoid confusion by doubling the L in words beginning with bl-. Except “black”—we mustn’t acknowledge skin color differences or goth clubs.
I’m trying to have sex with you, but I never spell your name right. Why is this? Probably the same reason you will never have sex with me. And because you are plagued by childhood flashbacks of impending menstruation. BUT WHO ISN’T? Bitches get all crazy 12 weeks out of the year. Stock up on chocolate. And shrimp, I think. Also milk! Taming bitches may require decapod crustaceans blended into a frozen treat blessed by ice shamans. This is an ancient potion known as Cool down, bitch. Its effects are similar to that of chocolate chip lobster DQ Bllizards. Bitches love potions. Shit yeah. What was the question?
You’re weird. That’s not even a question. Did you hear this from Jeeves?
Why you actin so messed up toward me? Why you expectin so much toward me? Do you think supreme beings can take time away from creating funny pictures and writing answers to questions just to be mean to you? Good, because I can. BUT I DON’T. Get a hold of yourself, then select a behavior from the list below. Compare its reaction to your perspective, then get a hold of yourself again.
Where in the hell is your music? Nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Thousands of years ago into the future, there were compilations and tracks carelessly tossed online. BUT HEY: This was literally a thousand years ago. Nothing available today provides an accurate picture of style, genres, influences, technique, skill level, how much of my life has been stolen by it, my favorite foods, unsolved mysteries or the universe. Don’t listen to it.
How come you don’t make music anymore?! I never stopped producing; I stopped releasing. There’s nearly a terabyte of material. Maybe it is waiting to be heard, who knows, oh fuck it, you can have everything for $500, call me.
What have you been using to make this alleged music? Hearbreaks and 808s. Okay fine, hardware and software.
OK OK FINE, hardware and software and my preference lies with neither in terms of “sounds better.” That debate is soooo 1998; never was so much time devoted to comparing TI-xx and calc.exe. They sound kind of different, end of story. I can’t believe you got me started on that.
God damn it, I’m trying to ask you a serious question. Never speak like that to me again. I will for real start moby-dicking your fail whale. Information will soon be available on my new Don’t Suck At Music page, the world’s most conglomerative conglomeration of A’s for the Q’s I get about M. Don’t read it. And don’t click on that link.
What else do you know about everything? A lot.
Occasionally Seldom Asked Questions
Why did you change this from OAQ to SAQ? Oh wait. THAT’S NOT FUNNY Yes it is. Sack. LOL. Like ball sack. Get it??? HILARIOUS
Are you on drugs? Shit no. I’m one of three people in the entire state of Oregon who isn’t married to a bong. Some say there’s other types of drugs, but I think they only work if you’re on a TV show. Save your cash for Cheeto dust cut with dick jokes.
Do you ever sleep? Does the sun rise in the east? Do salmon swim upstream for boning down with each other? Do my silken flame-colored tresses and statuesque silhouette blind you from all sense of duty? Of course Shit yeah.
Do you think you are black? Depends on what kind of ‘black’ you are talking about. Black like evil, then no. Black like large penis, then yes. This thing is like a monster truck radioactive-zapped by math tycoons from space. It’s very big and green. You can basically feel the throbbing from here to Uranus, and I’m not sorry about this joke.
How come you don’t follow me back on ____? Do you exist? The answer is unknowable, but go ahead and Ask Jeeves. He won’t judge you. Not like I do. The truth is, I hardly have time to click on stuff after running a background check on each of my followers. It’s not easy being everything to you while you are nothing to me. Now get out there and be something! Hurry.
I saw you at ____, why didn’t I approach you to say “hello”? You were being shy or weird. Don’t. I’m a really nice person once you get to fuck me. Just kidding, you can’t afford me. Not with that kind of attitude.
I’d like to argue with you on the Internet, but you’re ruining it by acting like a reasonable person. How can I win? You’re douchebagging up the wrong tree. I’m from the Internet. Social media mischief is part of my heritage as a steward of The Lulz. I also exist IRL sometimes and my bullshit-avoidance skills are LEGENDARY in that realm. You can’t possibly be meaner than reality. Write that down.
I refuse to write that down and still want to fuck with you. What options do I have?
Renew your license to ill with some quiet time.
Decide whether you want to ignore me or be cool with me.
It works best if you’re still wearing the apron when you show up at my house with the apology casserole.
u think ur better then me? No, I am absolutely certain that I am better than you. Let’s revisit this inquiry when you can type a few more letters.
Do you just collect food stamps or what? The only thing I collect is dust. WAIT ARE YOU ASKING ME IF I’M A STRIPPER?! The answer is shit no. Look at me! Quality goods, asshole. Like $15,000 prostitute-level! OK stop looking.
What is your line of work? If I told you, I’d have to tell you. I MEAN COME ON. Don’t scroll this far down before looking up my home address.
You talk about music production a lot. What entitles you to an opinion, silly female? Fifteen years hunched over a synthesizer, twenty-five squinting at sheet music. “Dipshit” line starts to the left.
But are we gonna hook up or what? wait i mean i like ur musi blixx Absolutely. I am very turned on by men who have little to no appreciation for nuances. Chicks dig clumsy, boring sexual encounters. We’re all the same, don’t you dare address me as an individual. Oops, I meant to say shit no.
Why do you have two L’s in your name? Why do you have two shut-ups in your so-what? We’ll get to that later. Just kidding, I’m busy later. I can’t remember where the second L came from, but it wasn’t a typo. Did it look cool? Did it help people suck at typing my name more than they already do? Did it pay homage to my goblin heritage? Whatever? I try to avoid confusion by doubling the L in words beginning with bl-. Except “black”—we mustn’t acknowledge skin color differences or goth clubs.
I’m trying to have sex with you, but I never spell your name right. Why is this? Probably the same reason you will never have sex with me. And because you are plagued by childhood flashbacks of impending menstruation. BUT WHO ISN’T? Bitches get all crazy 12 weeks out of the year. Stock up on chocolate. And shrimp, I think. Also milk! Taming bitches may require decapod crustaceans blended into a frozen treat blessed by ice shamans. This is an ancient potion known as Cool down, bitch. Its effects are similar to that of chocolate chip lobster DQ Bllizards. Bitches love potions. Shit yeah. What was the question?
You’re weird. That’s not even a question. Did you hear this from Jeeves?
Why you actin so messed up toward me? Why you expectin so much toward me? Do you think supreme beings can take time away from creating funny pictures and writing answers to questions just to be mean to you? Good, because I can. BUT I DON’T. Get a hold of yourself, then select a behavior from the list below. Compare its reaction to your perspective, then get a hold of yourself again.
Where in the hell is your music? Nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Thousands of years ago into the future, there were compilations and tracks carelessly tossed online. BUT HEY: This was literally a thousand years ago. Nothing available today provides an accurate picture of style, genres, influences, technique, skill level, how much of my life has been stolen by it, my favorite foods, unsolved mysteries or the universe. Don’t listen to it.
How come you don’t make music anymore?! I never stopped producing; I stopped releasing. There’s nearly a terabyte of material. Maybe it is waiting to be heard, who knows, oh fuck it, you can have everything for $500, call me.
What have you been using to make this alleged music? Hearbreaks and 808s. Okay fine, hardware and software.
OK OK FINE, hardware and software and my preference lies with neither in terms of “sounds better.” That debate is soooo 1998; never was so much time devoted to comparing TI-xx and calc.exe. They sound kind of different, end of story. I can’t believe you got me started on that.
God damn it, I’m trying to ask you a serious question. Never speak like that to me again. I will for real start moby-dicking your fail whale. Information will soon be available on my new Don’t Suck At Music page, the world’s most conglomerative conglomeration of A’s for the Q’s I get about M. Don’t read it. And don’t click on that link.
