Occasionally Seldom Asked Questions

• Why did you change this from OAQ to SAQ? Oh wait. THAT’S NOT FUNNY 
  Yes it is. Sack. LOL. Like ball sack. Get it??? HILARIOUS
• Are you on drugs? 
  Shit no. Why would I need drugs? I’m high as fuck on Cheeto dust cut with dick jokes right now. In fact, I’m one of the three people in the entire state of Oregon who aren’t married to a bong. Apparently there are other types of drugs, but I don’t think they work unless you’re on a TV show.
• Do you ever sleep? 
  Does the sun rise in the east? Do salmon swim upstream for boning down with each other or whatever? Do my coppery silken locks and statuesque silhouette blind you from all sense of duty? Of course Shit yeah.
• Do you think you are black? 
  Depends on what kind of ‘black’ you are talking about. If you mean black like evil, then no. If you mean black like I have a large penis, then yes. This thing is like a monster truck that got all radioactive-zapped by God or whatever, and so it’s very big and green. You can basically feel it throbbing from here to Uranus, and I’m not sorry about this joke.
• How come you don’t follow me back on the twitters? 
  Well, do I even know you exist? Ask Jeeves. He won’t judge you. Not like I do. After running a background check on each of my followers, I like to don a white lacy shower curtain and pretend I’m the princess of the whole entire world…while you are just a serf, which is an actual type of person who works at Medieval Times. 
• I saw you at _____, but I didn’t approach you to say “hello”. Why is this? 
  I don’t know, but be aware that this behavior labels you as a creepster. I’m a really nice person once you get to fuck me. Just kidding, you can’t afford me. Not with that kind of attitude.
• I’d like to argue with you on the Internet, but you’re ruining it by responding like a reasonable person. How can I piss you off? 
  You’re douchebagging up the wrong tree, brah. I’m part Internet terrorist, part steward of the Lulz. Not to mention that IRL is a much meaner place, and I don’t get caught up in bullshit in that realm, either. My advice is to renew your license to ill with some up-shuttage, and spend some time thinking about whether to ignore or be cool with me. It works best if you’re still wearing the apron when you show up at my house with the apology casserole.
• Do you just live off of foodstamps or what? 
  Hardly! You think I keep this Valhalla-worthy figure of mine by scarfing on junk? I meant junk like food junk. Junk food. Not like MAN junk. WAIT ARE YOU ASKING ME IF I’M A STRIPPER?! The answer is hell-to-the-no. I’m quality goods. Like the level of a $15,000 prostitute. Anyway, SCARF HIS JUNK.
•  Why do you have two L’s in your name?
  Why do you have two baby daddys in your grill? We’ll get to that later. Just kidding, I’m busy later. I don’t remember where the second L came from, but it wasn’t a typo. Maybe it looked cool, or I wanted to invent another way to make people suck ass at typing my name. I need to make up a story for this. In the meantime, I like to clear up any confusion by doubling the L in most words beginning with bl-. Except “black”. That would be socially irresponsible and display blatant consciousness of skin color differences that we’re all supposed to ignore. Hope, Change, Yes We Mexican’t, et al.
•  I’m trying to have sex with you, but I never spell your name right. Why is this?
  Probably the same reason you don’t use punctuation—your mom had too many boyfriends in and out of the house during your childhood and you’re plagued with nightmares of impending menstruation. You should be, bitches get all crazy 12 weeks out of the year. Stock up on skrimps and chocolate. And milk. Some bitches prefer to have their decapod crustaceans blended into a fine cream to get all brain-freezy. You know, sort of a…Cool down, bitch. Like a shrimp chocolate chip DQ Bllizard. Shit yeah. What was the question?
•  But are we gonna hook up or what? wait i mean i like ur musi blixx
  Nothing sounds less appealing than getting intimate with a guy who has little to no appreciation for nuances. Name is identity and identity is individual-ish. I’d kinda prefer that the wiener I’m touching is able to tell me apart from the other wiener-touchers of the world. In other words, shit no.
•  You’re weird.
  That’s not even a question. Did you hear this from Jeeves?
•  You talk about music production a lot, where in the hell is yours?
  Thousands of years ago into the future, I released on some Audiobulb Records compilations and threw some random tracks online for the masses to chew. The only stuff intentionally available online is on Myspace or through Audiobulb. If you’re looking for a representation of crap I wrote 4+ years ago, that’s your path. If the present day bllixperience is your interest, take that material with a grain of IDM salt.
•  What do you use to make music?
  Hearbreaks and 808s. But seriously,
  
• God damn it, I’m trying to ask you a serious question.
  You sound as if I’ve moby-dicked your fail whale. Calm down. Here’s the answer: Reason for the more chill shit, Renoise for anything ending in -core, and I’m a big Reaktor doodler. I don’t feel like listing my favorite VSTi’s right now. For live performance, I ReWire Ableton and Reason. I use an old shitty version of WaveLab for raw audio editing. My favorite color is satan. I like long walks on the holodeck. Quit ranch dressing me with your eyes.
•  Why you acting so messed up toward me?
  Chances are good that you be trippin’. I’m surprisingly cordial, so you’re either being an attention whore or have become an unfortunate victim to my cyclical habit of ignoring inboxes. It’s just a phase. Don’t let it phase you so, bro—it’s not personal. Probably.