Just kidding, I didn’t tell her shit.
My stance on political policies about dominating gun controllism bikini.
Today’s installment of Gangsta-Ass Monday focuses on education and shit. This instructional video will show you how to become an instructional hustler. Bitches will listen to you. Bitches will follow your directions. It’s like Simon Says, but for bitches.
[Author’s Note: Bitches and cars.]
Because women also have ovens inside of them, repeatedly soiled by men who sometimes forget to turn it off for nearly a year until realizing they baked something in it and need to leave town quickly so they don’t have to help with the dishes.
Easily one of the most beautiful, non-romantic love songs you will ever hear. It’s beautiful because it’s completely full of honest. Yeah, I know, it looks like your typical date-rapist-with-guitar is going to express his feelings about some skank that banged like ten of his bros after she found out he’d gotten a BJ of marginal quality from her chubby roommate two years ago, but listen with your heart. And ears. Your heart is too busy pumping blood around to watch videos all day, god damn. Anyways, THIS SHIT’S ON THE REAL. Like, Gandalf real. You can’t get rid of that motherfucker, he just comes back as a different color of wizard! BECAUSE HE DON’T FUCKIN’ PLAY! HE A REAL-ASS WIZARD! DAMN, GINA!
It’s no secret that women love shoes. It’s no secret that I’m possibly a woman…somewhere underneath all of this talk of boners and other cool shit which is commonly believed to be of no interest to chicks. But enough of that crazy angry vagina jibba-jabba. It’s not my job to be cranky at you. I don’t need any more girlfriends getting all up in my face, being all like “Bitch, you took my job!” or “Bitch, you are prettier than me.” or “Bitch, how can I be like you?” How, indeed.
Someday, I’ll publish a coffee table book for these girlfriends, aptly titled, ‘Damn, Bitch Why You Always Mad’. It’ll have cool diagrams showing them how to stop always being mad, and glitter and maybe some macaroni glued to the cover—I don’t know, don’t pressure me into the design so soon. What I’m trying to get at here is that your girlfriend is probably acting all messed up towards me right now. What do you mean she doesn’t even know me? Don’t be so naive. Of course she knows me. We all look alike. We all know each other. She knows you’re reading this. Dude, SHE IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU. Oh okay, maybe she’s not. Anyway, jesus christ, why ARE you even reading this? Look at that fucking cool shoe! I LOVE SHOES.
(Source: shoelust)
“Is it still considered vehicular manslaughter if she isn’t wearing any panties?”, I wondered aloud during a rush hour commute last Thursday. Moments later, I had my BlackBerry in hand, determined to ask the Internet to weigh in on this controversial topic.
Well, not the whole Internet. Google always interrupts or talks over me, Craigslist smells funny, nobody gives a shit about blogs, and I don’t want LinkedIn to find out that I talk like this. Myspace can’t read, so I tried to draw a picture, but it came out looking like a menstruating lioness scissoring a monster truck.
Luckily, Twitter and Facebook are always there to support me when I truly need the opinion of Internet rapists and strangers who are much, much uglier in person. I don’t remember what any of the responses were, but that’s not important. All you need to take away from this post is how much this bitch from the Progressive TV commercials makes me want to wreck a fucking car.
"Types of Bitches"
An alarmingly accurate taxonomy of “bitches” created by an unknown 3rd-grader in Washington D.C. The occasional misspellings only serve to enhance the charm. As I always say:
The children our are future.
Big up to Jess for the linkage.
