Musings on a Plane — My Last Will and Testament, Ruined by the Elderly. Again.

Old people talk too much. I do not know what unit of measurement one could employ to determine such a thing, but I do know that I am good-looking enough to make some stuff up that sounds like I’m an authority on how much old people should speak. Anyway, now seems as good a time as any to write my last will and testament. Yeah, why not? Nothing like being on an airplane, surrounded by old people who are talking, to make you think of being dead.

Before I begin, does anyone know if getting older makes you psychic? The granny seated across the aisle began to stareat me a few minutes ago. AS IF THAT’S TOTALLY OKAY!

We’ve been on this damned plane for 3 hours—to my knowledge, I have had ADHD and fidgeted accordingly for the duration, so it’s not like there’s a suddenly a new reason to look at me. She’s reading my mind. That much is obvious. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with age. Maybe she can see my screen from all the way over there because she’s wearing some super crazy bad-ass technologically advanced invisible bifocals you get with Medicare or whatever. This theory is slightly more credible than that other one with the mind-reading. All right, I just gave her the you’re-totally-busted-staring move and she quickly looked away. Man, I love doing that. With one exception: Those people who don’t look away and aren’t ashamed for staring. Otherwise known as children. Curse these cultural differences.

Oh crap. Right as I was going to start on that will thing, the old lady fell down in the aisle! That’s what you get, old lady. You may be a mind-reader, but I’m a mind-faller. That’s right, I did that. I made you fall. Have respect for your juniors. Not only can we make you fall down, but only we can help you up. Well, us and methamphetamine. But! You gotta buy that from us, as I’m pretty sure old people aren’t allowed to sell speed. Somebody write that down and remind me to look it up later. I believe it is outlined in the book of STOP STARING AT ME…jeez! Caught her again! That’s it, next time I bust her, I’m screaming “YOU AIN’T HARD!!!!!!!!!” in her general direction. Because she isn’t. Somebody write that down on a different piece of paper than the old-people-selling-speed thing, and remind me to do that.

It would be super embarrassing to make such a public threat and not carry it out. Kind of like challenging her to a duel at dawn and not showing up. She’d win, anyway. Old people wake up super early by nature and are usually armed with derringers and umbrellas with bombs or swords hidden inside of them. Which makes no sense. Why would you even need to be armed, derringer or otherwise, if you don’t sell meth? Ah, but that’s just one advantage of being old. Right, there’s mind-reading, bifocals that are up on some kind of Borg trip, with cloaking and everything, and being armed with old-fashioned projectile weapons. So, what is the advantage of being young? Speedcore, and a firm bosom.

Tags: Mischief  travel  philosphies and shit  old people  bllix uncut  

Posted: 2 years ago — PermaLink

I accidentally clicked a ‘Play Last.fm Radio’ link on the Last.fm website. At first, it was terrible and I was so angry at myself that I refused to make eye contact with myself for nearly two hours. I tried reasoning with myself, but she’s a cold-ass ghetto bitch sometimes and you won’t get anywhere with her until you’re her talking about herself in the third person. As soon as I pointed out the HILARIOUS suggestion combinations, I made up with myself for nearly two hours…but something still didn’t feel right. Why would I want to listen to a mix of music similar to the music I listen to, but isn’t the music I listen to? That’s not how people were meant to discover music. Anyone who does it like that is working too hard. All you have to do is only hang out with people who listen to all of the same bands that you listen to, and let those people somehow discover a band which both of you will inevitably listen to. Sit back, relax, and wait until one of those people highly recommends a band to you. (People like that LOVE to recommend bands, so don’t feel bad about contributing absolutely nothing whatsoever. It’s the King of Beers of mutually-advantageous parasitic relationships.) WARNING: It is possible that you may already know of the recommended band. Don’t panic. You have two options: Shrug. Say the band’s old stuff is better than their new stuff, so you don’t listen to them very often. This will reduce the risk of having your personal brand compromised by being made to look like a stupid asshole for failing to recommend the band first. Scoff. Say you can’t believe they hadn’t heard of the band; you’ve been listening to them for years and own a copy of their first demo on tape/vinyl. This will help everyone within earshot recognize that you are much cooler than the other person, because you came to know of a recommended band so long ago that it no longer falls in the guidelines of ‘discoverable’ bands.

I accidentally clicked a ‘Play Last.fm Radio’ link on the Last.fm website.

At first, it was terrible and I was so angry at myself that I refused to make eye contact with myself for nearly two hours. I tried reasoning with myself, but she’s a cold-ass ghetto bitch sometimes and you won’t get anywhere with her until you’re her talking about herself in the third person. As soon as I pointed out the HILARIOUS suggestion combinations, I made up with myself for nearly two hours…but something still didn’t feel right. Why would I want to listen to a mix of music similar to the music I listen to, but isn’t the music I listen to? That’s not how people were meant to discover music.

Anyone who does it like that is working too hard. All you have to do is only hang out with people who listen to all of the same bands that you listen to, and let those people somehow discover a band which both of you will inevitably listen to. Sit back, relax, and wait until one of those people highly recommends a band to you. (People like that LOVE to recommend bands, so don’t feel bad about contributing absolutely nothing whatsoever. It’s the King of Beers of mutually-advantageous parasitic relationships.)

WARNING: It is possible that you may already know of the recommended band. Don’t panic. You have two options:

  1. Shrug. Say the band’s old stuff is better than their new stuff, so you don’t listen to them very often. This will reduce the risk of having your personal brand compromised by being made to look like a stupid asshole for failing to recommend the band first.
  2. Scoff. Say you can’t believe they hadn’t heard of the band; you’ve been listening to them for years and own a copy of their first demo on tape/vinyl. This will help everyone within earshot recognize that you are much cooler than the other person, because you came to know of a recommended band so long ago that it no longer falls in the guidelines of ‘discoverable’ bands.
Tags: Amon Amarth  DMX  Darkthrone  Dr. Dre  How music works  bllix uncut  last.fm  music  black metal  death metal  ambient  how shit works  philosphies and shit  Copyright bllix  

Posted: 5 months ago — PermaLink   |   11 notes

Bill Hicks droppin’ some hot truths on the topic of music. The truths are so hot that they’ve burned in the back of my mind since the moment I heard him say: ‘Play From Your Fucking Heart’.

(Source: youtube.com)

Tags: Bill Hicks  hot truths  philosphies and shit  making music  music production  

Posted: 4 months ago — PermaLink   |   25 notes

Musings on a Plane — My Last Will and Testament, Ruined by the Elderly. Again.

Old people talk too much. I do not know what unit of measurement one could employ to determine such a thing, but I do know that I am good-looking enough to make some stuff up that sounds like I’m an authority on how much old people should speak. Anyway, now seems as good a time as any to write my last will and testament. Yeah, why not? Nothing like being on an airplane, surrounded by old people who are talking, to make you think of being dead.

Before I begin, does anyone know if getting older makes you psychic? The granny seated across the aisle began to stareat me a few minutes ago. AS IF THAT’S TOTALLY OKAY!

We’ve been on this damned plane for 3 hours—to my knowledge, I have had ADHD and fidgeted accordingly for the duration, so it’s not like there’s a suddenly a new reason to look at me. She’s reading my mind. That much is obvious. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with age. Maybe she can see my screen from all the way over there because she’s wearing some super crazy bad-ass technologically advanced invisible bifocals you get with Medicare or whatever. This theory is slightly more credible than that other one with the mind-reading. All right, I just gave her the you’re-totally-busted-staring move and she quickly looked away. Man, I love doing that. With one exception: Those people who don’t look away and aren’t ashamed for staring. Otherwise known as children. Curse these cultural differences.

Oh crap. Right as I was going to start on that will thing, the old lady fell down in the aisle! That’s what you get, old lady. You may be a mind-reader, but I’m a mind-faller. That’s right, I did that. I made you fall. Have respect for your juniors. Not only can we make you fall down, but only we can help you up. Well, us and methamphetamine. But! You gotta buy that from us, as I’m pretty sure old people aren’t allowed to sell speed. Somebody write that down and remind me to look it up later. I believe it is outlined in the book of STOP STARING AT ME…jeez! Caught her again! That’s it, next time I bust her, I’m screaming “YOU AIN’T HARD!!!!!!!!!” in her general direction. Because she isn’t. Somebody write that down on a different piece of paper than the old-people-selling-speed thing, and remind me to do that.

It would be super embarrassing to make such a public threat and not carry it out. Kind of like challenging her to a duel at dawn and not showing up. She’d win, anyway. Old people wake up super early by nature and are usually armed with derringers and umbrellas with bombs or swords hidden inside of them. Which makes no sense. Why would you even need to be armed, derringer or otherwise, if you don’t sell meth? Ah, but that’s just one advantage of being old. Right, there’s mind-reading, bifocals that are up on some kind of Borg trip, with cloaking and everything, and being armed with old-fashioned projectile weapons. So, what is the advantage of being young? Speedcore, and a firm bosom.

I accidentally clicked a ‘Play Last.fm Radio’ link on the Last.fm website. At first, it was terrible and I was so angry at myself that I refused to make eye contact with myself for nearly two hours. I tried reasoning with myself, but she’s a cold-ass ghetto bitch sometimes and you won’t get anywhere with her until you’re her talking about herself in the third person. As soon as I pointed out the HILARIOUS suggestion combinations, I made up with myself for nearly two hours…but something still didn’t feel right. Why would I want to listen to a mix of music similar to the music I listen to, but isn’t the music I listen to? That’s not how people were meant to discover music. Anyone who does it like that is working too hard. All you have to do is only hang out with people who listen to all of the same bands that you listen to, and let those people somehow discover a band which both of you will inevitably listen to. Sit back, relax, and wait until one of those people highly recommends a band to you. (People like that LOVE to recommend bands, so don’t feel bad about contributing absolutely nothing whatsoever. It’s the King of Beers of mutually-advantageous parasitic relationships.) WARNING: It is possible that you may already know of the recommended band. Don’t panic. You have two options: Shrug. Say the band’s old stuff is better than their new stuff, so you don’t listen to them very often. This will reduce the risk of having your personal brand compromised by being made to look like a stupid asshole for failing to recommend the band first. Scoff. Say you can’t believe they hadn’t heard of the band; you’ve been listening to them for years and own a copy of their first demo on tape/vinyl. This will help everyone within earshot recognize that you are much cooler than the other person, because you came to know of a recommended band so long ago that it no longer falls in the guidelines of ‘discoverable’ bands.

I accidentally clicked a ‘Play Last.fm Radio’ link on the Last.fm website.

At first, it was terrible and I was so angry at myself that I refused to make eye contact with myself for nearly two hours. I tried reasoning with myself, but she’s a cold-ass ghetto bitch sometimes and you won’t get anywhere with her until you’re her talking about herself in the third person. As soon as I pointed out the HILARIOUS suggestion combinations, I made up with myself for nearly two hours…but something still didn’t feel right. Why would I want to listen to a mix of music similar to the music I listen to, but isn’t the music I listen to? That’s not how people were meant to discover music.

Anyone who does it like that is working too hard. All you have to do is only hang out with people who listen to all of the same bands that you listen to, and let those people somehow discover a band which both of you will inevitably listen to. Sit back, relax, and wait until one of those people highly recommends a band to you. (People like that LOVE to recommend bands, so don’t feel bad about contributing absolutely nothing whatsoever. It’s the King of Beers of mutually-advantageous parasitic relationships.)

WARNING: It is possible that you may already know of the recommended band. Don’t panic. You have two options:

  1. Shrug. Say the band’s old stuff is better than their new stuff, so you don’t listen to them very often. This will reduce the risk of having your personal brand compromised by being made to look like a stupid asshole for failing to recommend the band first.
  2. Scoff. Say you can’t believe they hadn’t heard of the band; you’ve been listening to them for years and own a copy of their first demo on tape/vinyl. This will help everyone within earshot recognize that you are much cooler than the other person, because you came to know of a recommended band so long ago that it no longer falls in the guidelines of ‘discoverable’ bands.

Bill Hicks droppin’ some hot truths on the topic of music. The truths are so hot that they’ve burned in the back of my mind since the moment I heard him say: ‘Play From Your Fucking Heart’.

(Source: youtube.com)

Musings on a Plane — My Last Will and Testament, Ruined by the Elderly. Again.
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